How To Talk About Sex With Your Kids
Making discussions about sexuality a regular part of your interactions with your child will help them build confidence in themselves, give them a venue to explore their own values and beliefs, and assist them in making healthy decisions related to their own sexuality. Start communicating with your child about sexuality as early as possible (ideally from birth). Books and websites are widely available to help you do this using age appropriate concepts.
Where do I start?
Get up to speed on the most up-to-date information about sexual health. Having basic knowledge may make it easier for you to talk with your child about sex and sexuality. Explore a range of topics from puberty, anatomy and masturbation, to sexual decision-making, STIs, birth control and sexual orientation. Look for websites recommended by reputable organizations and professionals that promote a pro-choice, non-judgmental approach to sex and sexuality education. You can also contact your local Canadian Federation for Sexual Health member or public health department. Ask for pamphlets and other materials that will help you talk to your child.
How much information should I give them?
You may be concerned about giving your child too much information too early. Don’t worry – if you tell them more than they want or need to know at their age, they’ll just ‘tune out’. How much you tell your child may depend on his or her age. Here are some tips:
For young children:
- Give short answers
- Offer direct and accurate explanations
As children grow older:
- They will want and needs more details
- If you make them feel it’s okay to ask, they will
For teenagers:
How do I talk about sex with my child?
- Get a game plan. Talk things over with your partner/spouse if you have one, to help you clarify issues and the messages you want to give.
- Don’t wait for your child to ask questions. Children get information from peers and other sources (possibly incorrect) and may assume that they have all the information. Decide what is important for your child to know and educate them accordingly.
- Pick a good time and comfortable place. Choose a time when you both are relaxed and have time to talk. It’s also important to be in a private space where you both feel comfortable.
- Encourage your child to ask questions. By reacting positively to your child’s concerns you are teaching you child that his or her questions are important and that you will do your best to help him or her. Hear the message behind the question. Sometimes the real question is “Am I normal?”
- Listen. Wait to hear your child’s entire question rather than assuming you know what she or he is asking. This will help your child to get the information that she or he needs. Try to listen calmly, even when there is a difference of opinion. If you really listen to your child, you’ll learn a lot about what they think. They’ll also feel heard, and that goes a long way towards building their self esteem. Being honest and a good listener will go a long way in building trust between yourself and your child.
- Give clear explanations. Use the correct names for body parts and to explain the bodily functions. The better your child understands his or her body, the more equipped she or he will be to make healthy decisions.
- Be honest. Sometimes we are not ready for questions or challenges. It’s all right to say, “That’s a good question. I need to think about my answer for a while” or “I don’t know, but give me a day or two to find out.” Follow up as promptly as you can, so your child knows her or his question is a priority for you. At other times you may need to reconsider a response you’ve given earlier by saying, “I thought about what we talked about yesterday and I want to change something I said”.
- Use teachable moments. Staying in touch with what your child is watching, reading and listening to can help to engage your child in a discussion that’s relevant to their experience. Ask your child what they think about a certain magazine article, music video, TV show or movie that deals with sexuality or a sexual situation. Asking is more successful than telling if you’re trying to get your child to open up and share with you.
- Share your values. Share your values and beliefs with your child. The values you live by and the discussions you have are important.
Resources
"It's Easier Than You Think: Talking With Your Children About Sexual Health and Well-Being" published by Sexual Health Access Alberta