How To Talk About Sex With Sexual Partners

Find the best time to have the conversation. Ideally, the conversation would happen before you get into a sexual situation. Plan to talk at a time when neither of you is busy or distracted. Pick a neutral place where you can be comfortable discussing how both of you feel about sex. Think about what you want to say ahead of time; you can also ask your partner to do the same.

Let your partner know it’s important

Be sure that your partner understands that it means a lot to you to communicate your values and boundaries to him or her. Explain that you’re sharing these personal thoughts because you trust her or him and you may want to ask her or him not to share any part of your conversation with anyone else.

Be clear and direct

Using “I” statements can really help you get your point across in a firm, assertive way.

Be patient and listen

Give your partner the chance to explain her or his values and beliefs. Listen carefully and give her or him as long as s/he needs to get out what s/he is trying to say. If you don’t quite understand what s/he means, ask a question to clarify. It’s important that you understand each other.

Be open, honest and nonjudgmental

How you feel about sex is really personal to you, so you really are opening up when you talk to your partner about it. It’s the same for him or her. Just as you expect your partner to respect what you have to say, it’s important to be open to and respectful of what your partner tells you.

How to negotiate boundaries with your partner

Know what you are willing to compromise on and what you need to stand firm on, based on your values and beliefs
Be honest about your choice and why you feel the way you do; you don’t have to justify yourself, but explaining where you’re coming from can help your partner understand more clearly
Listen to your partner and be sure you understand her or his position
Make a decision together that both of you are comfortable with
Be sure that the decision made, is one that you can live with (i.e. that it reflects your values and beliefs)
Make a plan based on your decision. Talk about the practical aspects of the issue (how you are going remain abstinent or what type of birth control/protection will be used or who will pick up condoms or when each of you will be tested for sexually transmitted infections).
Follow through with your plan of action
Be open to talking about these issues again if you or your partner’s feelings change

Updated July 3, 2008

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How To Talk About Sex With Sexual Partners Find the best time to have the conversation. Ideally, the conversation would happen before you get into a sexual situation. Plan to talk at a time when neither of you is busy or distracted. Pick a neutral place where you can be comfortable discussing how both of you feel about sex. Think about what you want to say ahead of time; you can also ask your partner to do the same. Let your partner know it’s important Be sure that your partner understands that it means a lot to you to communicate your values and boundaries to him or her. Explain that you’re sharing these personal thoughts because you trust her or him and you may want to ask her or him not to share any part of your conversation with anyone else. Be clear and direct Using “I” statements can really help you get your point across in a firm, assertive way. Be patient and listen Give your partner the chance to explain her or his values and beliefs. Listen carefully and give her or him as long as s/he needs to get out what s/he is trying to say. If you don’t quite understand what s/he means, ask a question to clarify. It’s important that you understand each other. Be open, honest and nonjudgmental How you feel about sex is really personal to you, so you really are opening up when you talk to your partner about it. It’s the same for him or her. Just as you expect your partner to respect what you have to say, it’s important to be open to and respectful of what your partner tells you. How to negotiate boundaries with your partner Know what you are willing to compromise on and what you need to stand firm on, based on your values and beliefs Be honest about your choice and why you feel the way you do; you don’t have to justify yourself, but explaining where you’re coming from can help your partner understand more clearly Listen to your partner and be sure you understand her or his position Make a decision together that both of you are comfortable with Be sure that the decision made, is one that you can live with (i.e. that it reflects your values and beliefs) Make a plan based on your decision. Talk about the practical aspects of the issue (how you are going remain abstinent or what type of birth control/protection will be used or who will pick up condoms or when each of you will be tested for sexually transmitted infections). Follow through with your plan of action Be open to talking about these issues again if you or your partner’s feelings change Updated July 3, 2008
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