Healthy Relationships

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According to Health Canada, healthy, good quality relationships and social support networks have a direct impact on people’s well-being, as well as their life expectancy. Strong, healthy relationships with others help us to manage stress effectively, problem-solve, and overcome the challenges that present themselves as a part of life. We can have many types of relationships over the course of our lives, for instance, relationships with family members, friends, co-workers, as well as intimate relationships with one or more partners. In addition, a lot of the time, we forget to talk about one of the most important relationships people can have: the relationship we have with ourselves.

It is important for us to know, love, respect and value ourselves before we endeavour to start an intimate relationship with someone else. This enables us to establish a solid foundation for an intimate relationship with a partner, ensuring that both people have a good sense of personal identity and self-esteem, and that both contribute to, and benefit from, the relationship in a balanced way.

Intimate relationships can be an enriching part of our sexual lives, and our lives as a whole, provided they are healthy and that we feel good being in them most, if not all, of the time. There are also lots of different types of intimate relationships, including but not limited to: monogamous relationships, casual dating relationships, married relationships, polyamorous relationships, same-sex relationships, and heterosexual relationships. Often people have different ideas about the type of relationship they would like at any given point in time and this is where honest and open communication with our partner(s) is important, so that both people understand what the other wants and expects.

It is good to keep in mind what you are looking for in a relationship, and take the time to really get to know your partner, before the relationship gets very serious and committed. This way you can establish a good idea of who you are in a relationship with, whether the values of the person you are entering into a relationship with match your own, and whether you feel this partnership will be a good fit for you.

For people who are in a relationship, communication is very important. Good communication is present when both people feel comfortable expressing their feelings, needs and desires, and both people listen respectfully to what the other person has to say. This means that both people respect their partner’s opinion, even if it is different from their own. In addition to verbal communication, it is important that both people observe the non-verbal ways in which their partner communicates with them, for example through body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. This can help both people to gain a better understanding of how their partner is feeling.

Along with good communication, the characteristics of honesty and accountability are very important. Honesty requires that both people feel comfortable enough with their partner(s) that they are able to express their deepest feelings and desires, and that they are not afraid to speak up when something in the relationship isn’t working for them. Neither person ever feels afraid in a healthy relationship. Accountability means that both partners take responsibility for how they feel, as well as the way that they act. Being accountable to a partner(s) means honouring any agreements we have made with them about the relationship (for many people, this means being monogamous) and upholding the decisions we have made together about the relationship.

Shared power is an essential component of a healthy relationship, in that both partners should feel that they have equal say in all aspects of the relationship, and both people should feel safe and respected in the relationship. An important aspect of shared power is negotiation. Negotiation means that both people state their needs with regards to the situation at hand, and try to find a compromise so that each person’s needs are met to their satisfaction, and both people feel respected and validated.

Healthy boundaries are also a very important aspect of a healthy relationship. Often when we talk about boundaries, the first thing that comes to mind is physical boundaries. These types of boundaries are important in establishing what kinds of touch, as well as what kinds of sexual activities, we are comfortable with, and communicating those boundaries to our partner.

In addition to physical boundaries, it is important for us to establish boundaries in terms of what we are willing to take on emotionally. For example, it is perfectly ok, and is in fact healthy, for us to establish emotional boundaries in our relationships. This means that we are able to separate ourselves from the problems or feelings that our partner(s) might be experiencing. This does not mean being unsympathetic, uncaring, or unsupportive, but rather recognizing that it is not our responsibility to resolve another person’s problems for them, no matter how much we might love and care for that person.

Caring and trust are important components of a healthy relationship because they are key in fostering intimacy within the relationship. When we care about another person, we often feel more comfortable becoming intimate with that person, and many people find it enjoyable to express their love and caring for their partner in intimate and sexual ways. Trust is also key to being intimate with our partner because most people need to be able to trust that their partner(s) is who they say they are, and that they are being faithful, if that is what both people have agreed on. When we trust someone enough to be intimate with them, we are trusting that they will treat us with respect and dignity, that they will not divulge personal details about our intimate life to other people, and that they will honour the boundaries we have established regarding what we are or are not comfortable doing sexually.

In healthy relationships, neither person feels pressured in any way to have sex, even if the other person has paid for our dinner, or even if we have been in a relationship with that person for a certain amount of time. When and if we decide to engage in sexual activities with our partner(s), both partners should share the responsibility of using contraception in order to avoid pregnancy (if this is a heterosexual relationship, and the couple would like to avoid pregnancy). In addition, both partners have a shared responsibility to protect themselves from sexually transmitted infections (STIs) including HIV. The most effective method of preventing STIs is to use a male or female condom for every act of vaginal or anal intercourse, as well as using a male condom or dental dam for oral sex, every time.

Within the context of a relationship, it is important for both people to balance their intimate life with quality time spent doing non-sexual things with their partner. This means that both people genuinely like and are friends with their partner, and that they share common interests and hobbies, so that they can build their relationship on mutual interests as well as romantic interest. While most of us can be very busy these days, both partners should make the time in their schedules to spend quality time together and work on their relationship.

In addition, it is also important for both people to maintain the relationships they have with other friends and family members. While a new relationship can be fun and exciting, and a person may want to spend all of his or her time with that special person, it is important for both people to try and maintain a sense of balance in their own lives, and in their personal relationships. It is also okay, and is in fact healthy, for each person to spend time alone doing things they enjoy, as well as having some separate friends from their partner. It is important to remember that both people are individuals, and it can be beneficial for each person to take time for themselves regularly to get in touch with their own feelings and needs.

While, for the most part, this page is dedicated to establishing and maintaining healthy relationships, it is also important to know the warning signs of an unhealthy, or potentially abusive, relationship. The list below outlines the things to watch out for. It has been adapted from Planned Parenthood Waterloo Region’s “Getting the Facts: Healthy Relationships” as well as the Government of Alberta’s Children and Youth Services “Healthy Relationships Information Sheet”:

You May be in an Abusive Relationship if Your Partner…

Puts you down when you are feeling good about yourself
Is aggressive toward people of your gender
Doesn’t listen to you or ignores you
Refuses to talk about or listen to your concerns
Attacks any part of who you are (beliefs, values, interests, personality)
Tries to embarrass you in front of others
Disrespects you, insults you, humiliates you, or demeans you in any way
Questions where you’re going, with whom, and how long you’ll be gone
Tries to tell you who you can and cannot spend time with (including friends, family members, co-workers)
Has jealousy issues or tries to control what you do, what you wear, who you see, or how you act
Does not have close friends of his/her own
Does not take responsibility for his/her own life and actions, and blames others for these things
Does not respect your boundaries and personal space
Attempts to guilt you into having sex with him/her
Forces you to do things that you do not want to do sexually
Tries to scare you by doing dangerous things (such as driving too fast)
Becomes angry or violent when using drugs or alcohol
Threatens you, your friends, family, or pets, or threatens to kill themselves if you do not do what they want
Has ever hit, pushed, kicked, slapped or choked you, or otherwise inflicted any kind of physical harm on you
Has ever acted violently toward you in any way (this includes, but is not limited to: pushing, slapping, hitting, kicking, biting, punching, strangling, or threatening you)

The information found on this web page has been adapted from the sources below. For more information on the topic of “Healthy Relationships”, please consult the following web resources:

Opt- www.optionsforsexualhealth.org

Island Sexual Health Society- www.islandsexualhealth.org

Calgary Sexual Health Centre- www.cbca.ab.ca

Sexual Health Centre Saskatoon- www.sexualhealthcentresaskatoon.ca

Planned Parenthood Waterloo Region- www.ppwr.on.ca

Kids’ Help Phone- www.kidshelpphone.ca

Government of Alberta: Children and Youth Services- www.child.alberta.ca/home

Updated November 12, 2010 JL